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Archives for : February2009

How to live on less, or How to save money by using less toilet paper.

With the economy in the shitter, I thought I would write down some ideas I had on how to save some green. Unfortunately, the only ideas I have involve Toilet Paper. This should be helpful to many people since everyone uses Toilet Paper. Well there was at least one guy in high school that didn’t. I never understood going into a stall and seeing a log still in there with no used toilet paper anywhere. This guy must have walked around all day with a shitty ass. Did he wipe when he got home? I hope he at least took a shower at some point. Ok, back to the money saving topic, here are a few different Toilet Paper methods in order of wastefulness.

The Mitten : Girls are sometimes guilty of The Mitten. Toilet paper wrapped around their hand until you can no longer tell it’s paper, and it begins to resemble a mitten instead. This is the biggest waster of toilet paper known to man, er known to women. Ladies, let me give you a piece of advice: If it takes that much TP to wipe after a number 1, something else is going on and there are probably better products available to handle the job.

The Big Scrunchy Ball ®: This is where you take a good number of sheets, about a dozen, and scrunch them up into a ball shape. The ball shape gives nice nooks and crannies, not to be confused with the delicious nooks and crannies of an english muffin, to catch poop on and in. The Big Scrunchy Ball is great for post Taco Bell poops, hangover poops, and any poop containing cabbage. Unfortunately, this method uses the second most TP, and is only reccommended in extreme cases.

The Fold: This is where you fold the sheets over into a small stack. It’s very neat and organized and is a favorite among the ladies. It gives the pooper, by pooper I mean the person taking a shit, not your butt, as I was saying it gives the pooper a feeling that shitting isn’t a messy afair, which it is. Don’t even try to tell me that it’s not, pooping hasn’t changed much in a long time, if it wasn’t messy and smelly why do you close the door and turn the exhaust fan on when you go to do it. The neat little stack makes the pooper thinK, “oh it’s no big deal, just wipe with this nicely contained poop sponge”. Don’t believe it, it’s a lie.

The Small Scrunchy Ball: This method is simliar to the Big Scrunchy Ball ®, except you only need about 3 to 6 sheets. This method uses much less paper per wipe and is great if you are not afraid to get your hands dirty. I would reccommend this method, if you are certain you don’t have a chernobyl down there, or if you’ve received confirmation from a previous wipe and are now just doing final clean up. If there is not a suitable sink with soap available do not use this method.

The single sheet: Men can get away with a single sheet when the following criteria are met: It’s for a number 1, and you are a total sissy. You should shake that thing, and not give a shit about the two drops that will end up in your undies. Don’t even get me started on pansies who sit down to piss. Girls, don’t even think about taking your wiping to this extreme, your equipment needs more than a single sheet, even for a quick piss.

Now that we’ve reviewed the different methods of Toilet Paper use, I can give you my Toilet Paper Decision guide:

Is this a number 2?
Yes: Is this the first wipe?
Yes: Does the inside of the Toilet Bowl look like a gerbil exploded in it?
Yes: Use The Big Scrunchy Ball ®
No: Use The Small Scrunchy Ball
No: (Normal poop): Use The Small Scrunchy Ball
No: (Second Wipe): Use The Small Scrunchy Ball if the previous Wipe wasn’t too bad.

No: (Number 1): Are you male?
Yes: Shake that thing. Only once or twice. Anything more than that is a different essay.
No: Female: Use the Fold

So, there you have it. Using the right amount of Toilet Paper at the appropriate times should save you some green, which you should send to me.

Afterthought: You need to look after you wipe! How else can you tell if you need to wipe more? If there is still poop on the TP, you probably need another go at it. Sometimes, depending on which above method you have chosen, you’ll need to flush, then wipe some more and then flush again. Don’t be afraid of a “Three Flusher”, the perfect time to wash your hands (esp if you use the tiny ball method) is while you are waiting for the toilet to fill back up.